Joke page:

Comments made in the year 1957:

     "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the  way they are, it's going   to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for  $20."

     "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before   $2000 will only buy a used one."

     "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack   is ridiculous.
"
     "Did you hear the post office is thinking about  charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

     "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

     "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off
     leaving the car in the   garage."

     "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to  stay groomed. Next thing you know,  boys will be  wearing their hair as long as the  girls."

     "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let   Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in Gone With
     The Wind,' it seems   every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

     "I read the other day where some scientist thinks  it's possible to put a   man on the moon by the end of the century. They
     even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

     "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000   a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise
     me if someday they'll be  making more than the president."

     "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen  appliances would be   electric.

     They are even making electric typewriters now."

     "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see  where a few married women   are having to work to make ends meet."    

"It won't be long before young couples are going   to have to hire someone   to watch their kids so they can both work."

     "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to   be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

     "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole   lot of foreign business."

     "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes  half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder
if we are electing the best   people to congress."

     "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously   doubt they will ever catch on."

     "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It  costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

     "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a  day in the hospital is too   rich for my blood."

     If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

***********************************************************************

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
 
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." 
--Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
-- sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President, USA
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President, USA
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

*********************************************************

The Balloonist

  A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He
descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

  The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the
ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

  "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

  "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

  "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

  The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

  "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

*******************************************************************

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he made his own lunch."

***************************************************************************

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do,
however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't
have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very
much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they
can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs,
who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

******************************************************************************

INDEX